I have been struggling lately with seeing God in my life. It’s not a deep crisis of conscience, but rather a consequence of the fruition and convergence of my volunteer activities. I am REALLY busy, and I want to do a good job because I have chosen my volunteer activities carefully. They are important to me because, in large part, they have a strong spiritual resonance. They involve people and communities for whom I care deeply. They are places where I have felt the presence of God.
It’s oddly paradoxical to me that I am so caught up in the worry of successfully executing logistics that I cannot look for, nor appreciate their actual spiritual gifts. I feel more confused than inspired, more agitated than at peace.
On Monday, I received an email from Judy, our Church Administrator. “Dear Andrew, thank you for giving testimony this Sunday, December 14.” I know that I volunteered for all this, but do they all have to activate at the same time?!?
My mind turned to the testimony every available, disconnected second it could.
“I have to write a testimony. How is God active in my life?
I have to write a testimony, “How is God active in my life?”
I have to write a testimony – how is God active in my life? – I have to write a testimony.
How is God active in my life? – I have to write a testimony!!
The testimony writing IS the vehicle of how God is trying to be active in my life. It is forcing me to get out of my navel-gazing and to surrender to a bigger perspective.
In bible study, David and Keith keep reminding us that to repent is to turn – to turn more fully towards God. I think that the added requirement of this testimony at this time has required a mini repentance of me. I have had no choice but to let go of most of my angst and worry, and in so doing, things have fallen a little better into place.
Just now, I am a little more humbled.
Just now, I don’t take myself quite so seriously,
Just now, I smile and laugh at myself a little more.
Just now, I find myself saying, “Thank you!” to God, a little bit more,
Just now, I also find myself a little more inclined to say to God, “Bring it on!”